Say What I Feel (A Poem By Me)

After listening to Joe Budden's new song "Downfall" I got some great inspiration to write so I decided to write a poem today because I was in a good emotional space earlier this morning and began to think about how my blogs, Facebook posts, or even just casual words in conversation may be viewed by those that haven't taken the proper amount of time to get to know why I think and feel the ways that I do...I hope this helps in the explanation:

Say What I Feel by Dwight James Allen aka Neo

I'm so sorry I cant be

everything each one of you

expect me to be

in my own skin im comfortable

and i am at home within myself

you may look at me & my actions

& even say that i need help

you may criticize what I say

you may fault the things i do

and I can only aplogize for one thing

and thats the niave nature within you

im honest with my emotions

and in touch with who I am

so when I feel a certain way I say it

i never try to hide the inner man

you can pass judgement off my words

and not agree with my ideas

but the honest reality is i have been

this way & will be for my remaining years

I say what some want to say or just

maybe wish that they could

I have the heart to be a standout

just as the rest of you should

life isnt about fitting in

we are all individuals in our own right

so dont get mad when you see me against

the system cause I was born to fight

I was raised to be different

to not gravitate towards the norm

I always stand by what I speak

& your thoughts will not change my form

this is not written out of anger

merely just my form of expression

take a look at me and understand beyond what you read

in my honest words and tactical aggression

bypass what you deem as negative

and listen to the word's inflection

dig deeper into the context & meaning

maybe change your narrow sense of direction

stop worrying about how you will be perceived

if you stand against public conception

so pay close attention, drop your guard

and lose your false sense of protection

because within my soul is a different kind of teacher

& you may just learn a valuable lesson

"I only say what I want you to hear, you'll only see what I want to show" - Joe Budden

Please Support My People!!!

This blog is just to shed some light on some of my peoples out there that are trying to make moves and I want to generate some traffic and attention to these brothers because they are all good dudes. So do me a favor, when you get a chance please visit their sites that I list and if you see or hear something you like please support, I myself (once I get some extra ends) will be supporting all of these dudes in my own way, along with promoting the goods once I actually receive them be it shirts or music. And if you like what they have to offer tell a friend to tell a friend...thank you

- The first place I need you to visit is Foe Company (http://foecompany.com/) which is headed up by a partner of mine that I went to high school with, great guy all the way around and highly artistic/creative. His site offers an array of tee shirts which feature his creative side & style and the newest shirts he will have out for the masses are in support for our Haitian brothers & sisters dealing with that tragedy with 100% proceeds going to the Red Cross relief funds for Haiti. My dude Rod has always aspired to be to this point ever since we were in graphic design class together and I am so happy and proud to see him get there.

- The next is for my dude out in Atlanta, my man Cam and his site Soul Simplicity (http://www.soulsimplicity.com/) which is a site that also sells clothing with the overall goal of bonding with the community through all of the varying outlets (clothing, music, & politics). He is a very good friend of mine as well and I believe he is going to take this places along with the help of our other good friend LA. I was around during the time when my dudes were just kind of going through the early stages of this movement and I always knew that it would get to this point because you had to see the drive in these brothers to really understand what I am trying to say.

- The next site is for my dudes Ashy L Bowz and their site No Lotion (http://nolotionnation.ning.com/). They are a hip hop group out of Brooklyn...and I must say these cats are a refreshing sound in the world on hip hop in my opinion. I met them through Twitter and just built a good relationship with the both of them because one they are crazy funny and two they are just real brothers & creative. Their zone is music and I think they have the ability to be the "NEXT THING". Check them out, they have a some good music out there (I have their albums so you can trust me) and you can now check them every Thursday on Elbow Radio, and stay tuned for their new album to be released on Ash Wednesday...told you these dudes were creative.

- The next site is one of my dudes by the name of Ant aka Mr. Infamy and his site InfamyTV (http://infamytv.ning.com/). I have heavy respect for this cat because he GETS IT...he is a hip hop artist in nature but he is the epitome of the hip hop culture. He is doing his part to bring hip hop into a good place by creating his website and having a lot of great unknown cats come together and use the site as a springboard for exposure and unity amongst artists while also promoting his own musical activities with his team "Da Hoodfellas". And he has the new Old School Hip Hop section which I myself have been a silent partner in, so go check the site.

So just slide through and check these sites out, as I said they are all making moves to not only better themselves but in a lot of way, better us all through a cultural standpoint. Yes they are friends of mine so yeah maybe my opinions on all these guys and their abilities is skewed but I just want to help them and get them out there to the people. They are all great friends but more so great ARTISTS....DUECES

What Really Grinds My Gears - Part 3 (Special Edition)

Here is the next installment of my Grinds My Gears series and this one is going to be done a little different as I will be posting some of the good ones that I got from some of my friends on Facebook including my wife Lakiesha. So here are the special guest entries into the Grinds My Gears series...and if you have any that you would like to add please feel free to hit me on Facebook and let me know:

From Carli aka Dayz:

- "Smacking when you're eating.. Seriously close ya damn trap!! puttn dirty clothes ona clean pile n vise versa, leaving dishes n the sink! Uhhh do u want bugs n germs growing in your kitchen?! lookin cute when ya kids r a mess, wearing name band everything n your kids n cartoon shoes.. Really ..."

From Eddie aka King:

- "i have a bunch but i hate when people wear open toed shoes with jacked up feet..."

- "I also hate when somebody calls me from a different room to get them something in the same room as them...irks my damn nerves...or when people call me on the phone and have conversations with everybody but me..immediate disconnect"

From Anette aka Biscuits:

- "over or under with the toilet paper flap. Over I say, dang it!"

- "Ok, this KILLS ME: you know how when you open a jar of body butter or hair grease or something like that? I spread it off in layers so it stay smooth and neat on top. I hate when ppl just dig all in the jar, scoop out half the product in it and leave deep gouges in it. HATE it."

From Kiesha aka Mrs. Allen:

- "When I go places I park farther than everyone else and if I can in an area where no one else has parked. I absolutely hate when I come out of the store to find that someone has parked their raggedy car RIGHT next to mine. I always stare in disbelief. A million spots to choose from many of them closer and yet you park in the spot next to me. All I ask is that you skip a spot. Irks me to no end."

- "Oh and another one (you opened up some flood gates lol) I hate when I'm on line and the person behind me stands so close it looks like we're together. If you're gonna stand that close at least take me out afterwards, I aint no cheap thrill lol. I don't know why I'm the only person who likes personal space. I have every intention on farting one day, right on someone's stomach."

- "when someone leave toast crumbs in the butter"

From Edgar aka Slim:

- "..all both of them..." Or when people are like, "put that over there.." and just point in two different directions. Or when people call me and the first thing they ask is, "are you sleep?" Yeah. I'm answering the phone in my sleep. Or when people don't clean the knife in between the peanut butter spreading, and the jelly spreading. And when people put the peanut butter in the fridge. ?????? Bread crumbs in/on the butter...

Apparently toast crumbs in the butter is not a good look for many of us so please work on that people...lmao, catch yall on part 5....DUECES

The Grammys Can Miss Me

I just wanted to take a second to express my displeasure with the Grammys as a whole...I will not be watching the Grammys again this year (I rarely ever do) because I do not like that they do not show the world and culture of hiphop any love whatsoever. I mean hip hop generates millions of dollars on an annual basis, it is in commercials left and right, used as a means to even aid in many world events such as voting and even as recently as a means to spread awareness of the disaster that has come to Haiti. Hip Hop isn't just "gangsta" music, or mutherfuck this and that all the time it bears messages, hope, strength, etc that needs to be heard by many. I remember Jay-Z made a comment during his interview with Oprah (beginning at around the 4:45 mark on the video below) that hip hop has done more for racial relations than pretty much anything and he says "it's difficult to teach racism because racism is taught in the home...so it's difficult to teach that when someone idolizes a Jay-Z or a Kanye West, you know it's difficult to say that that person is less than you or different from you when you can relate to their music or struggle or when you are a fan of their music". All I am saying is it isn't fair, hip hop artist work hard and deserved to be recognized for their efforts just like the next artist, they should be able to come and sit amongst their peers, and be able to win an award in a room full of other great artists. All it gets though is a commercial break where they flash across the screen that so and so won hiphop/R&B album of the year and thats just wrong on so many levels especially considering that the 1st actual commercial to follow will probably be a car or McDonalds commercial using hip hop to sell their product. To me its just another form of segregation and it bothers me to no end that it is like that. So like I said on Facebook I will not recognize the talents of the likes of Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, Keith Urban, or anyone else until you recognize hip hop...so FUCK THE GRAMMYS!!!

PLUS....like my homie Prince aka my twin P just told me on Facebook which I forgot Drake is nominated for a Grammy off of a mixtape, I had totally forgot about that so good looks twin. But seriously come on Drake gets a Grammy nod for a mixtape, again I must say....FUCK THE GRAMMYS!!! You guys all just go ahead and enjoy and tune in just because Michael Jackson will be in 3-D doing the same stuff you been seeing for years, its just another way to capitalize on the man's passing, but I will not be joining in...I don't follow the herd of sheep...DUECES!!!

Name Change To "The Matrix Revealed"

(This is how I see the Matrix, how does it look to you???)

Someone asked me why the name change of the blog and I didn't explain it in full but I figure le me blog it up and im assuming that this person will read it so here goes. The reason for the name change was because I wanted to go with something that fit me a little better than "Reality Is My Only Option". The new name is more in tune with what I will be using my blogspot for and that is to hopefully write something that will open the readers eyes to something new, something they hadn't previously thought of, or even something that the world has tried to disguise or hide. The Matrix was a system of control and I feel like a lot of things in and around us are the exact same way from the media to even just word of mouth, these things guide many of our thoughts and ideas to shape the ways that they want us to think and not look at the picture as it is. I am not saying I am immune but a lot of things I see in a different way than others and I will use my blogs to shed a little light on the reality of things thus the name "The Matrix Revealed".....enjoy

This video explains exactly what I mean...please listen carefully:

Neo's Top 5 Albums of 2009

I wanted to make a little top 5 list for 5 of the best albums (in my opinion) from 2009, these aren't really in any particular order but the 1st 2 are actually both my favorite albums for 2009 and for varying reasons. I will add one of my favorite tracks from each album with each listing, hope you enjoy it and maybe even take my word and go out and actually buy these albums because they truthfully are well worth it.

Ready - Trey Songz

This album was nothing short of phenomenal...I honestly cannot say enough about this album. Trey not only brought a new image out for the ladies but he really is beginning to solidify himself as an R&B monster musically and when you have an album such as this it makes that possible. I would even venture as far to say that this is a "CLASSIC" yeah I said it, it is a classic, by far one of my favorite R&B albums. Songs like "Invented Sex"..."Yo Side Of The Bed" (which sounds like Purple Rain by Prince but a great rendition of it)..."Does He Do It"...& my personal fav "Love Lost" are just a few of the highlights. It does have one song I could do without and that is "LOL Smiley Face" with Gucci Mane, I understand why he did it but he didnt have too. Also if you get a chance check out the mixtape he dropped called "Anticipation" almost as good as the album, some may even say it was better.

The Blueprint 3 - Jay-Z

Well if you know me you know when it comes to Jay-Z fans you probably wont find many bigger than me which is why this selection meant so much to me. Again I will venture out to use that "CLASSIC" word, some may argue but whatever thats the beauty of music. This album was full of great music, lyrics, and too many highlights to even name, Hov had something for all types of fans on this one. He took it to a pureness with the music, and provided classic gems lyrically that only Hov could pull off such as my favorite line and that I deem as the overall theme and statement with this album "niggas want my old shit, BUY MY OLD ALBUMS", it gets no better than that. Beginning to end this is a great album and in my opinion was tied for #1 with Trey Songz, BP3 stays playing on my iPhone. Highlights include "Thank You"..."On To The Next One"...Empire State Of Mind"..."A Star Is Born"....& "Already Home". Jay did his thing with this album and its effect is monumental considering the way people feel about music nowadays especially his...but the King is still on the throne.

The Warm Up - J. Cole

This is a great album, excuse me...MIXTAPE and the only one that I would even consider putting on this list because of how it was executed, I mean for a mixtape to be this dope is unheard of thus it had to make the list. He is the 1st artist signed to Jay-Z's ROC Nation label and believe me when I tell you this dude is worth every bit of the attention he is beginning to garner out there in the hip hop community. Cole brings that breath of fresh air back into our speakers, minds, and hearts when it pertains to good ol hip hop and this mixtape (even though it is made like an album which further shows his skills) is good music. If you can get your hands on this I suggest you do so and then get back to me because I know you will tell me that this kid is the truth. He gives me that same feel I had back in 1995 when I 1st heard Jay-Z i swear to yall I got goosebumps listening to some of his bars. The music is soulful yet hard...lyrics are raw yet ahead of their time, in short this dude Cole has "IT". Bangers such as "Lights Please" (which was the song Hov heard and signed him after listening)..."Water Break Interlude"..."Dollar & A Dream Part 2"..."Dreams"...& "Welcome" are just a few of the highlights, trust me yall this kid is the NEXT big thing, mark my words and remember Neo told ya.

Slaughterhouse - Joe Budden, Royce Da 5'9, Joell Ortiz, Crooked I

The reason why this and the selection that will follow after this is because the albums were made as groups of individuals all capable of being good standing by themselves but they were either put together or came together to make very solid albums. This album is comprised of 4 outstanding MC's namely my #2 all time favorite MC, Joe Budden and its a great offering musically. Considering most of the true fans of these guys were able to watch them make this album online it was amazing how they were able to do it under the circumstances of distance and other obligations. Lyrically its almost an untouchable album with some of the best verbal lyricism heard in years, production was good as well...there are 1 or 2 that could be skipped or left off and they actually left off a favorite of mine "Wack MC's" (would have been a great addition) but overall it was a good album and worth your time if you are a true fan of hip hop. Album gems include "Microphone"..."Cuckoo"..."The One"..."Sound Off"...& "Cut You Loose". They will be dropping another Slaughterhouse album in the near future, so be prepared...THEY CALL THEM SLAUGHTERHOUSE FOR A REASON!!!

Forever In A Day - Day 26

Just like I said about the Slaughterhouse album this one was a outstanding album considering the dynamics of how it was made. Diddy put these 5 cats together and they made a great 2nd album after a pretty good 1st outing. Another one of those beginning to end albums that was solid throughout, and again we were able to pretty much see the making of this album on MTV and considering all they went through to just make it and the deadline that these young brothers faced they came across with a good effort. I don't know what the future holds for them as a group but this album will forever be in rotation with my R&B albums. Solid singing and effective management of the various voices and talents of each member it made for some great music. Some of the songs on the album that just jump out are "Perfectly Blind"..."So Good"..."Your Heels"..."Then There's You"...Babymaker"...& "Girlfriend" and trust me many of them before you listen you will need some condoms handy cause it may pop off.

***HONORABLE MENTION***

Street Hop - Royce Da 5'9

This was a great album from 2009 so it had to be my honorable mention joint. "Street Hop" was a good look on some real hip hop music and if not for Day 26 having such a solid album this for damn sure would have gotten that 5th spot. Royce dropped a bananas album and I have to give yall what is one of my favorite tracks from that album below. I wasn't a big fan of Royce's until he got down with Joe Budden and I wasn't that big on him throughout some of the Slaughterhouse early work but after listening to this I am a fan of the Detroit vet. Cuts like "Street Hop"..."Part Of Me"..."Murder"..."Far Away"...& "The Warriors (feat. the rest of Slaughterhouse)" are just a few of the great tracks on here.

That's all for now my people's, hope you enjoyed my selections....see yall next year with my 2010 top albums....DUECES

What Really Grinds My Gears - Part 2

Yall already know the routine so here goes...

- when you spend your whole morning shoveling out your parking space after a snow storm and some duck faced bastard parks in your spot when you leave...it's like come on dickhead you know I shoveled that spot out why would you park in it. All my peeps that have had to deal with those snow storms know all about this

- BITTER ASS PEOPLE...oh my damn they grind my gears more than anything, it's like why are you so bitter? You are mad angry at everything, if you got your heart broke or cant find someone to love you hate on others, if your friend gets something you dont show love you just hate on it, it's like come on yall WTF!!! i noticed this is a huge problem especially with women and lately with these dudes with a little vagina up in them...stop being bitter, work on changing yourself and maybe your stink ass situations in life will change and you wont have to be bitter, ol Colonel Stinkmeaner ass niggas. Talk to em and say shit like "you its mad nice outside son" and they respond with "man fuck the sunshine nigga"....hit em with "oh man love is a beautiful thing" and their response is "there is no such thing as love" well maybe not for you and your stink ass bitter beer face attitude.

- People that beep the horn behind you when you are sitting at a red light with a NO TURN ON RED sign, its like come on ock you want me to get a ticket because you are trying to hurry up and get to your minimum wage job putting down sawdust after some 9 year old throws up in the lunchroom...GTFOH and wait you schmuck!!!

- People that are afraid to be who they really are and put on masks...it's like if you have to hide your true self then you arent shit to me. To me it means that you are timid and afraid to be you because you are worried about public image. Me personally I could care less what anyone thinks about me, I am more than comfortable with myself. Be honest with yourself

- When someone dresses their kids like pure and utter trash yet they look like a million bucks....come on man your kids should be fresh to death all the time unless you are just broke then you all look like trash together.

- Assholes that beep their horns for people late at night, its like come on son I know everyone and their mother has a cell phone, call his goofy ass and tell him to come downstairs.

- Women that always run around talking about independent they are yet they are living with their parents and this doesnt apply across the board to all women because sometimes there are circumstances or you are saving up your loot to get your thing poppin but its for those extra-Beyonce (not a shot cuz I fucks with Bey) ass women that run around talking about they dont need a man and all that rah rah. How are you independent and you sleeping in the same room that you lost your 1st tooth in...im sorry but I have a problem with this. Get your own place, pay your own rent, have some bills in YOUR name that YOU actually pay for, take care of your own biz and then you can talk to me about your so called independence.

stay tuned for part 3, but until then.....DUECES

Vince Young is the TRUE 2009 Comeback Player Of The Year

Let me 1st start this blog off by saying that I don't just feel the ways you are about to read just because I am a Titans fan, it is solely based on being a fan of football and the NFL, now that we got that out the way let us begin. So Tom Brady wins the NFL's Comeback Player Of The Year award and I have to ask myself this simple question....WHY??? What did Tom Brady do any different this year from the year prior to him getting injured, I mean he basically won the award because he got hurt and came back this year and was the same Tom Brady we all expected him to be considering he is throwing to 2 of the best WR's in football...Welker & Moss. He beats out the 2nd place guy, Cadillac Williams, who we all know about his history and he hadn't really played football for about 2 years...and the 3rd place finisher which is my boy Vince Young, who as its been documented had a pretty rough 2008, rough to the point of where people questioned if he would ever take another meaningful snap for the Titans or in the NFL period (not me though I always believed in VY).

So here is my beef with it all, as I stated Brady did what Brady was "EXPECTED" to do while Young came in after the team started 0-6 and lead them to a 8-8 record by seasons end missing the playoffs by about a game or so which is remarkable in itself especially in the AFC, becoming the 1st team in NFL history to start a season 0-6 and then win its next 5 games, and also the 1st team in NFL history to begin a season at 0-6 and finish with a record of .500 or better. He lead an amazing comeback against Arizona on the final drive with a TD pas to Kenny Britt on the very last play of the game (see video below), helped Chris Johnson reach the 2,000 yard mark for the season (done only by 5 other RB's EVER!!!), improved his passing in all areas (completion %, yards per pass, & limited his ints), gave the Titans offense its best statistical year well in years, showed the NFL that the option (with the right QB & RB) can be run at the NFL level with success, but most importantly he brought the team back from the dead and provided a much needed spark. Along the way he regained the confidence from his team, coaches, fans, and even many in the media that bashed him unmercifully especially Merril Hoge (who even said VY was playing good ball as of late). So again I ask what did Brady do to warrant being the Comeback Player Of The Year? Brady has enough shit and I think that the Associated Press just is in love with the Pats as is most of the liberal media and thats the worst part to this whole thing, I mean as much as I would have hated it I would have rather seen Brett Favre win the award not Brady. But again I firmly believe that Vince Young should have won the award and I ask you to find many that wouldn't agree with me on that. He showed that he has grown, changed, adapted, and learned how to be an NFL quarterback...but what we saw out of Brady is the same exact thing you will see next year so what's the big deal about his season and why does he win over Vince Young, Cedric Benson (who also deserved it, I wouldn't even have been mad if he or Cadillac got it over Vince), & others? Please watch the video below then proceed to the last paragraph and leave a comment if you choose...

No matter what Vince Young is the Comeback Player Of The Year in my eyes and again I am not just saying this as a Titans fan but as a fan of football in general. I believe he has had to endure much more with his career and future on the line if he didn't play well, and that's not to say that coming back off of a pretty bad knee injury (Brady) didnt require dedication and many things endured but come on man remember last year at this time and the way the talk was about Vince Young...fast forward to this season and today and ask yourself, shouldn't he have won the Comeback Player Of The Year???

What Really Grinds My Gears - Part 1

I read an interesting post by my wife this morning on Facebook and was in tears laughing, and then some stuff happened at work and spawned me to release a few pet peeves of mine on Facebook throughout the morning/afternoon...well I have decided to move those I selected as well as a few more that I agreed with a friend of mine (Carli, who also inspired me to use that Grinds My Gear name for this a la Family Guy). I will probably do this from time to time when I come across things that people either do or say that really gets under my skin or (everyone say it with me) GRINDS MY GEARS!!!

- I hate when people ask me a question and then immediately answer it themselves as soon as they finish asking the damn question...YOU COULDN'T FIGURE OUT THE ANSWER PRIOR TO OPENING YOUR FUCKING LIPS TO ASK ME FUCK FACE!!!

- people that say "my work" or "his/her work" instead of "my job" or "his/her job", for instance...."Jim from MY WORK just got a new Nissan Maxima"....WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THAT, i mean come on how hard is it to just say MY JOB, FUCK!!!

- when someone asks the question "are you sleep" this one is pretty self explanatory

- another retarded question when someone calls you "who is this"....look you hillbillie YOU CALLED ME!!! damn you just clicked on my name in the contacts of your phone or dialed my number so how the hell do you fix your dumb ass face to ask who is this, GTFOH!!!

- when someone tells me that Joe Budden is a one hit wonder, that couldnt be any further from the truth, maybe your feeble ass mind just cant comprehend good music or you are a Lil Wayne/Nicki Minaj fan again I say GTFOH!!! Budden has hits but in the words of my dude Jay-Z "do you listen to music or do you just skim through it"...a hit isnt just a commercially successful song, I mean think about this for a second, without a hit Joe Budden still has a great fan base and you can't say that about any other "SO CALLED" one hit wonders....so do me a favor and learn HOW to hear before you JUDGE.

- people that say Jay-Z is a part of the illuminati especially considering a majority of those same individuals have absolutely no idea what the illuminati is or represents. Stop believing the 1st thing you hear about someone just because you may not like them or what they do you sheep ass bastards. Read a book on the illuminati such as "The Illuminati - A Secret Society Revealed" or "Oracle Of The Illuminati - Contact, Co-Creation, Coincidence" (yeah surprised I know that huh), pin point specific things that would tie him to it and explain them to me when you get a chance....watching Tom Hanks in Angels & Demons doesn't give you the necessary backing to make such judgements & accusations so please open your hand and touch your face as fast & hard as you possibly can, thank you.

- this has been one that I have had to endure pretty much my whole life and I dont handle it well now but I hate when people say "light skinnedDID" and notice I put the end the way I did because thats what it sounds like...look nimrods that may say this please learn how to speak thats all!!!

- when I hear someone say "no your OTHER left"....man WTF is that!!!

To Be Continued.....

Stay Tuned

To everyone that has even remotely cared enough to check on my blog spot I havent been writing much lately because I have been gathering my thoughts and beginning in the New Year I am going to try to blog weekly so please stay tuned...Just have to make sure I have something interesting to talk about each week to hold peoples interests, shoot if you have any ideas please feel free to throw some at me, I may do like a weekly wrap up of things that I enjoy the most (music, movies, sports...etc) and then add in some of my own personal thoughts that need to be vented out or discussed in the blog. But as I said everyone please stay tuned...thanks, have a happy new year

My Heart Thanks You All

"As the sky opens up to receive her, our hearts are with her, she will forever be in our hearts as we celebrate her life, the Angels have embraced her & her family."

I wanted to take some time out to thank any and everyone that showed me love over the course of the last week of my life with the passing of my grandmother. It's amazing how people that are busy with their own lives, some are miles and miles away, have never seen me face to face, some have never even heard my voice took time out to show so much compassion and sent their love, energy and support to me and my family in our time of mourning. It may only be 140 characters in a tweet, a Facebook message, a text or a phone call but I swear to you each and every one of you helped me...along with the undying support from my wife. I hadnt seen my grandmother in a few years so I was dealing with guilt from us not being in close contact once she moved to North Carolina, guilt from her knowing she had great-grandchildren but never having a chance to see them and guilt from hoping that she knew that her baby boy (which is what she would call me sometimes) loved her so very much. It was a unique relationship I had with my grandmother as she was the realest person I have ever known, she was blunt, harsh, foul mouthed, direct and didnt take no shit from no one...but on the flipside she was a beautiful woman who would do anything under the sun for those that she loved. I told my wife this story about how one time when I was a little kid my dad dropped me off over at her house and they were fighting about something and she comes to the door like she always would when I came over and says "You can keep your motherfucking ass in the car no need to get your ass out I just want my grandson" to my father and my dad was tight, he probably wont remember that but I always will cause it was funny and he knew she was mad even before we pulled up. Anyways I say that in regards to the unique relationship I shared with my Grandma and our bond was very special to me, thus at the funeral I realized that I need to do more to keep the structure of my family close, limit some of the distances that time has created between my loved ones, so in the pic above you see me hugging her 2 daughters (my Aunt Rita & Aunt Tonya) my baby cousins (Shanise & James) and her husband (Grandpa Irving) to show that in her going home we are are going to do more to stay close, and in my arms wasnt just my love but I was representing for my father who is locked up & couldnt be there (I will always carry the weight of the world for my Pops for as long as he needs me too) my baby brother Q (couldnt be at the funeral but he was there through me) and my stepsisters/mother (Jolanda, Jennifer & Carol) and any other family member that couldnt attend because thats what my Grandma would have wanted...I love you Grandma (R.I.P.) and I will miss you dearly but there are some great people (angels) left here to look after your baby boy & below I will thank each one of them:

(Twitter)

@Mo_Rease...@treasurecarelli...@mylifeasbreezy...@TearlessPoet...@amy_blueyez...@MrLoveerMan925...@JAM05028

@Shaa_Nichole...@millertime773...@EvilOne215...@Larion...@BrandonDaHater...@mehart9791...@iiKnOwRiiGhT

@RaTHeR_Un1QuE...@Chiefen_B...@JustinTwiterLan...@Aftashok...@RandomRon...@DontBeASkeptik...@NitaMichelle

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Kim, Kas, Danni, Sophia, Big Mike (Hass), Traci, Jeff, John, Tina, Phil, Ant (Infamy), Garron (HB), Joann, Adrianna, Jason, Keren

SPECIAL THANKS to my wife Key, baby you have been instrumental in everything you have done and been to me this past week and I feel so blessed to have such amazing support from my partner, i love you babe!!!

"tell my friends, each one, they taught me how to be one, i owe to them part of everything that i've become" - Joe Budden

My 31st & the next 10 years of MY LIFE

"Ive got some issues that nobody can see and all of these emotions are pouring out of me"

This blog is inspired by the moment that I am at in my life, and that moment is my 31st birthday (today November 5th, 2009) and the Kid Cudi song above kind of describes some of the ways I feel, not all because Cudi was saying some stuff that doesnt directly relate to me. I have been in deep thought for the past 2 weeks or so leading up to today because I started to look at myself and I wasn't totally happy with what I was seeing. I started to see my shortcomings, my fears, my insecurities, etc and I realized that I hadn't allowed myself enough time to deal with my own issues...allow me to elaborate. I like to look at my life in 10 year increments beginning at the age of 1 so the past 10 years have been from the age of 21 to 31 and when I looked into the mirror the person looking back was not the person I expected to still be at this stage of my life. The past 10 years have been filled with a mixture of pleasure and pain...5 years of pain (time before my wife) and then 5 years of pleasure (time since I met my wife).

Those 1st 5 years were filled with many personal failures in love and in my life, suicidal thoughts, empty/broken promises, mistreatment of those that only wanted the best for me, all coming to a head when my father was sentenced to life in prison for being a habitual felon. In his absence I had to assume the role & position that he held in the family thus putting my own life on the back burner to aid in the development of my family. I had to move from being a big brother and a son to a Father and a stand in Husband for my stepmother and it was tough and in some regards I am still dealing with this. I went through a breakup, moved from NJ to Atlanta pretty much by myself aside from my few family members in Atl, dealt with being unemployed for a couple years and then only finding work stocking shelves at Target for about $7 an hour.

Then I landed a job with the IRS and moved back to NJ, met my wife and things began to go the right way. She and I hit it off great as most of you know due to the fact that we are still going so strong, but we unexpectedly had our 1st child Shania, and then a year and a half later my son was on the way. So that again shifted the attention from myself to those I love, putting myself on the backburner again but this time for the right reasons because I love my babies & my wife with all my heart. They have brought me nothing but joy but the problem is I never had a chance to properly dead the first 5 years of my last 10 years or allowed myself to deal with my own internal issues over the last 5 years because I had to focus my energies into being a father & a husband. These things lead to my past 2 weeks of thinking and beginning to realize I dont like who I am. I never gave myself the room to deal with my own personal issues and problems because I have been doing all I can to make sure those around me, those I care about, and in some instances those I don't even know feel better about their own lives, part of the reason why I call myself Neo and if you saw the Matrix movies this part is self explanatory.

So I took a long look in the mirror and I just didnt like the reflection, I didnt like who I was inside, not the person everyone else can see because in the eyes of others I am a beautiful person but looking at myself through my own eyes all I saw was disappointment and something had to be done. I began to look in depth at what I have become and who I am and I realized I am caught in between being the old me and the new me (or the person I am supposed to be at this stage of my life). The issues that I have had I havent been able to express and share so I decided to speak to the Lord and I said that I have to break the mirror on the old me and start to look forward to the new me and embrace it, thus the quote I wrote on Twitter earlier today (extra words added in that couldn't fit into 140 characters):

"I looked in my mirror & didn't like the one staring back at me, so I closed my eyes, broke the mirror & began to look forward to a better me"

And in this quote I am simply saying that I am closing the door to who I once was and accepting who I have become, the path that life has lead me to and I am looking forward to who I will be now thus beginning the 1st steps in my next 10 years of life. My journey has been a long one filled with things no one has or ever will know about, pieces of my past that I am not proud of, parts of my present that I wish I could eliminate from my memory...but my future holds so many bright things and thats what I am going to focus on. I dealt with my own internal struggles on my own, I cried, I hurt, I hit rock bottom emotionally to the point where I didnt care about some things, I lectured myself, but I handled those things and I am not looking back. The old me died when that mirror broke and he will not return, he was ugly in nature, no not all entirely his fault but he made many decisions that played a part in who he was, yet he was also watched over and didn't suffer too bad through bad decisions. He was hurting yet you never knew about it, he was crying & screaming for help yet you didn't hear him because he didnt want you to......so he did it all alone trapped in his own pain & darkness, he was failing while you thought he was winning, he wasn't always who the picture portrayed because many saw strength but hidden deep within the paint was weakness and frailty. But I have accepted these things and am ready to move on, and this blog was merely my chance to open up, my chance to be weak, my chance to cry & expose myself to show that yes even Neo has weaknesses, yes even Neo can't always save the day, but mainly that yes Neo aka Dwight James Allen is human....

The "Groupie" Game

Everyone knows how I feel already about the groupie so I just wanted to have a breakdown that I found on www.allhiphop.com in regards to all the "groupie" like attention and tendencies of The Lame (no longer will I call him by his stage name). I don't see how heads can really rock with a cat that was on a bootleg dating show and exposed as being fradulent even as an actor...also how can you listen to an album of someone stating how "REAL" they are when they were an actor on TV prior to their record deal. I will say this if he was acting he is really wack and represents everything that is wrong with hip hop at the current time and if he wasn't acting then he is just as wack for being on there and exposing himself as a sucka, either way a nigga with a butterfly on his cheek is trash. I liked him, brought all 3 albums, and gave him a pass on numerous occasions when he showed his "groupie" & "bipolar" tendencies but those days are over now that he wants to bring it to Jay over a frivilous beef that was made cause he is a groupie. If someone says "im not talking to you" then HOW IN THE FLYING FUCK is that dissing you??? Sounds like you just wanted some attention for your boo boo ass mixtape you just happened to recently release or for that wack ass album you got coming out which will just talk about your usual bullshit...impalas, 64's, Reasonable Doubt, The Chronic, Detox, Dr. Dre, Aftermath chain, Eazy E, NWA, various lines about the likes of Kanye, Nas, Ice Cube, piru, 50 Cent, G-unit, the 300 bars song, and other corny typical shit expressed between the lines on your paper. So in all of that I say this I gave him chance after chance after chance to be a consistent rapper not a wack ass battle rapper whose only claim to fame is a battle with G-Unit...because take that away and the songs that 50 gave him and you are left with 2 possibly good tracks...nothing more nothing less, and you can argue with me till you are blue (or red) in the face about this but it's going to fall on deaf ears and believe me i dont just speak without having legs to stand on so make sure if you want to challenge me on this you have legs to support your theories as well, thank you and now to the list of "groupie" lines I spoke about earlier, after you read these 70+ lines you tell me if the "GROUPIE" tag is deserved if not I will retract all my statements in regards to this Lame:

1. "No beef with Jay" - "One Blood"

2. "Got a hook from Faith, no verse from Jay I guess on Westside Story he thought I spit in his face" - "Westside Story"

3. "Dre told me he ain't doin "Detox," this his only run Ma$e comin back, and Hovi done" - "No more fun and games"

4 "It's Me & My Girlfriend like 2Pac and them Jay-Z and Beyonce, or Bobby and Whitney - "Special"

5. "Rap critics politickin, wanna know the outcome Ready to Die Reasonable Doubt and Doggystyle in one - "Dreams"

6. "Make the club R.O.C. without Timberland boots - "Higher"

7."I was gassed up, Murder Inc., Roc-A-Fella passed up"

8. "It took me a little while but I am now understandin Jay ****ed up in the first round when he picked olowankandi" "Memp Bleek Iz"

9. "Oh, that boy colder than Hova unless he sober" - "300 Bars"

10. "And ain't nobody tryin to take Beyonce from Jay But I know a ***** named Superhead he ****ed back in the day" - Wouldnt Get Far"

11."Took you to award shows, there go Jay right there" - "One Night"

12."Bangin "The Black Album," track #1 she like that Jay ****, that's her favorite'' - "Around The World"

13. "Behind the back to Nas he alley oop to Jigga" - "Why U hate The Game"

14. "Niqqas show me love in the hood like i was HOV down Flushing" - "State Yo Name"

15. "The day Jay retire I'ma park next to the throne, in a Maybach on gold wires, yeah - "Hands On The Pump"

16. "Cuz he know Jay-Z departed And these other rap labels know don't feed they artists Talkin blueprint **** you got three garages

Gettin money off Roc like little E and carter"

17. "And 2Pac was in jail the day you called to hit him up I wouldn't be outside 40/40 bumpin 'Jigga What'"

18."I'm the king, and you better respect it All I need is Beyonce, and a Roc-a-fella necklace"

19. "I'm the golden boy, and I'm making Hova noise Got the whole world clapping, just like the Nolia Boys"

20. "I told 'em bomp, slow down baby Got to get this **** firm like Foxy, NaS and AZ She said '**** you,pay me

So I left her in AZ That's what I get for letting her listen to my Jay-Z"

21. "*****, I'm number one, motherfukka bar none Who else kick knowlegde outside of Hova and the God Son"

22. "U gon make me/ make Jay lose his cool" - "Feel It In The Air"

23. "Too much West coast dikc lickn, remember Jay-Z? - "1-800-Homicide"

24. "No Em, no Dre, I'm the hottest since Jay" - "Get Up"

25. "Cause I'm the man behind the Roc like Kanye West"

26."A pimp like 50, the niqqa to leave you broke ma 6 in the mornin, you stretchin on the sofa singin ain't no niqqa like Foxy Brown and Hova" - "Compton to Fillmoe"

27. "I'm runnin the ROC, not Jay, Dame Dash of Hoffa" - "Jackin 4 Beats"

28. "Who the fuk holdin me? i was just waitin 'til HOVA leave wit my eyes on the thrown that belong to me" "Round Here Freestyle"

29. "yeah its me and young cass til hov come back" "Aim Ya Gunz"

30. "Throw Jay-z in the pot, mix em with ren or O.J on the rocks, mix em with gin whatchu got? the westcoast riding again" "82 Days"

31. "i found out it was a hard knock life without asking Jay" "Duck Down"

32. "Fake king of new york, U aint Jay z" "soundscan"

33. "Me, Em and 50 racin' this rap siht is basic I followed that Jay siht" "We Aint"

34. "The kings comin', no I'm not Jay-Z" "One Blood Remix"

35. "Not the rap martyr, or the second rap Carter" "for My gangstaz"

36. "niqqa I'm about a dollar, what the fuk is 50 Cent? When Jay said it, I didn't know what it meant" "100 Bars"

37. "used to push that rock like Jay Hov" "Red Bandana"

38. "then this marcy-project niqqa came and stole the crown" "Im a soldier"

39. "But Kanye and Hova killed it without a doubt" "Just a lil Bit freestyle"

40. "Who had the hottest chick in the game, wearin they chain Mr. H to the Izzo, Nas and Hurricane" "too Much"

41. " cuz ain't nobody movin units but Jay, pimp Juice and Us" - Down 4 my *****s freestyle

43. "I used to have visions of retiring like Jigga" "Du Rags

44. "He in a vest with a hoodrat from Marcy with a tattoo of Jay-Z name on her chest" "Its So Hard"

45. "Im classic like Detox & Blueprint 2" "Get Yo Money"

46."Yall thought it was over when Hova retired" "Get Yo Money"

47. "Make the world feel like the niqqas before 2pac Shakur Christopher Wallace & Shawn Corey" "Dont Push Me..."

48. "... He aint teach Jigga how to rhyme" "Juice freestyle"

49. "Im going to same place Jay-z went Fredrico & Pico" "100 Bars"

50. "Hov retired but Compton still pushin Roc" "On & On"

51. "I came to see chicks shake they ass like Beyonce so let me be Hov 4 a min."

52. "All I gotta do is hit her wit a Jay-Z line like u deserve to be my sunshine"

53. "Biggie Smalls is the illest so is pac Jay retired i wonder if nas gon drop" "Unbeliveable freestyle"

54. "i kno they sayin y u gotta mention Jay" "State Yo Name"

55. "First Jay & Beyonce then Nas & Kelis" "A Week Ago Part 2"

56."u 36 And U Still Rappin Uhh, Im 26 And Homie So Iz Da Dubz" "one Blood"

57."So I reconciled my differences like he did with Jigga" Game on 'Hustlers'

58. "Im ready to die Without a reasonable doubt" "The Documentary"

59. "In '99 i studied +The Chronic+ inside out, a Doggystyle for breakfast, lunch was Reasonable Doubt " "im A Soldier freestyle"

60. "Shouldnt been influenced by Calvin Broadus, Nasir Jones & Shawn Corey" "Pain In My Life Remix"

61. Yo Jay what it do niqqa, i done rocked enough fellas,to be u niqqa,i got the 40/40,they my 2 jigga's"

62. The word n!gger, is nothing like ***** Don't sound **** alike, like Game like Jigga

63."I was more hood then suge, had more rocs then Jay more scars on my face then the original scarface, or the homeboy scarface."

64. "i need more than 60 seconds i aint Hov" - Hot 2Nite (Remix)

65."Moved out the hood, changed her name to Jay"

66. "He ain't Nas, ain't B.I.G., ain't Jigga" 300 bars

67. ""Pushing the rock, nah this ain't no subliminal Jay The summer too hot, and I want the winter to stay" Dear Summer

68.""I'm fly like a Hummingbird on a tree top The new Hov, the new B.I.G., the new 'Pac, I need three spots"

69. ""Ask a Jay-Z fan about Big Daddy Kane, don't know em, Game gon show em" - Games Pain

70. ""She call me Jay I call her B we getting married to the streets" - Camera Phone

71. ""The kings coming, no i'm not Jay-z/ too many *****s hate me, but they scared to face me" 1 blood remix

72. "So I reconciled my differences like he did with Jigga" Make The World Go Round

73. ""I hear the crowd callin my name Game, Game but i'm not one so don't try to play me and this goes from Gucci Mane to Jay-Z" - Laugh

74."hip hop is soft since the Roc-A-Fella break up/and i don't do subliminals I just pick Jay up" - Walk in the streets

75."I'm that six figga *****/who got the word from KRS-One and stole the Blueprint from Jigga" - Feels Good

76."They say at Summer Jam i turned it out/but Kanye and Hova killed it without a doubt" - Just a lil bit (G-Unit Diss)

77.""We on that same elevator goin down, Dodger fitted got that Hova lean so they don't notice me" - Down & Out (mixtape version)"

I gave you food for thought...now you do the dishes!!!

My Top 10 Jay-Z Songs

This post is for my boy @ErOneH8zDerek from Twitter, he and I were talking a little over a week ago about listing our top 10 Hov songs and I swear this shit took me forever. I was saying to myself this nigga Derek gonna kick my ass if I dont finish this but it is hard being that I am a huge fan of Hov's and there aren't many of his songs that i DON'T like. The hardest 2 parts of this have been getting down to the final 10 (started with 50) and then trying to have solid explanations as to why I like these particular 10 and that part is still a work in progress but I at least wanted to post em for now. A few of them I will have explanations for right off the back but others I will have to come back to the blog to update so here goes D:

(in no particular order)

Blueprint 2 - Probably the song I could say is my favorite Jigga song for a few reasons ranging from the production to the lyrical content. Jay went in on this one & rode the beat about as effectively as I have ever heard him do it. Everyone always wants to pull Ether out their ass but that whole song compared to Hov's whole 2nd verse on this one pretty much makes that so called loss by Jay more of a wash (tie).

What More Can I Say - All I am going to say is the end of this song was the defning moment of not only the song but of the entire Black Album..."i'm supposed to be number 1 on everybody's list, lets see what happens when I no longer exist (man fuck this)" *throws down or pushes the mic away*.....come on that ending alone makes this song the banger that it is along with the way he just spazzed on it

22 Two's - Great conept song, actually to me one of the best concept songs to date, I still remember back in 96 when I 1st got Reasonable Doubt and I sat in my room with a notebook & counted each one of the Two's (To's, Too's) and that always blew me away how he managed to make the song and fit all of the Two's in & still have the meaning in the song be executed so well..."TOO many bitches wanna be ladies so if you a hoe imma call you a hoe TOO many bitches is shady, TOO many women give these niggas TOO many chances, TOO many brothers wanna be lovers & dont know what romance is" (come on yall dont ever say the boy Hov aint the truth)

D.O.A. (Death Of Autotune) - I have a whole blog about the reason why I love this song so much but let me tell yall why one more time, BECAUSE IT IS A DEFINING MOMENT FOR HIP HOP, if you dont understand what I mean check my previous blog post about it. Another reason why this song is so crazy is the music or production, the drums are amazing and the instruments used were so effective in giving the song a very vintage sound, very old school hip hop...& again his lyrical content was 2nd to none, people are so focused on just the Autotune death he was calling for but there were many other topics nailed by Hov such as the wack clothes, fake tough cats, etc. Great song & even more amazing video

Friend or Foe (Parts 1 & 2) - No matter how many times I hear these songs which to me are just one big song with a different beat, I never tire of them. This is a great visual picture painted through words "shot it in the air one woke him, son soaking sweatin in his bed like dunn loccin thinking to himself what done provoked him"................................"boy you don know who you fuckin wit...a gun in your face and thats all you can come up with" Jay was at his best and when you watch him & Dame execute this song on the Streets Is Watching DVD its just fits properly.

Dead Presidents - I liked Hov a lot from the song with Original Flava "Can I Get Open" to the 1st version of "In My Lifetime" when he was just that "skinny nigga on the boat" and all the way to "Cant Knock The Hustle" but this joint right here was the one when I knew and said to myself this dude is going to make it big because "Dead Presidents" is Jay-Z at his best, the zone he was in for this song is undeniable from start to finish "while others spit that wonderama shit me and my conglomerate shall remain anonymous caught up in the finest shit, live out my dreams until my heart give out involved with cream you know exactly what this shit's about, fuck y'all mean handlin' since a teen I dish out like the point guard off your favorite team without doubt" - From Dead Presidents (the original version) i am not even going to say anything else than that.

Meet The Parents - This was a very very good concept song because I swear when I got to the end of this joint Hov really had me thinking something serious, I was touched by this joint because I grew up in the streets & I always think along those lines like those same cats that dont tend 2 their sons wouldnt even know them if they ran into them 18 years later. This was just a real song especially this part, this is what did it for me "He can't explain what he saw before his picture went blank the old man didn't think he just followed his instinct six shots into his kid out of the gun niggaz be a father you're killin your son, six shots into his kid, out of the gun niggaz be a father, you killin your sons"

Imaginary Player - Jay at his best on that brag & showoff shit, he stunted on niggas so bad on this track that Range Rover lost money on the 4.0's lol ("whats the difference between a 4.o and a 4.6 about 30 to 40 grand cocksucker BEAT IT") thats when I knew this dude carried heavy weight in the game. This would probably have 2 be my 2nd favorite Hov song of all time just because it made me appreciate the nature of his arrogance, he made that shit cool. A few classic lines were "i got nine hundred and ninety six plus 4 mo dough"......"when I see em in the street I dont see none of that damn playboy where the fuck is the Hummer at, where's all the ice with all the platinum under that, those ain't Rolex diamonds what the fuck you done to that"

Lucky Me - When i was going through a rough time with finding my identity in life this was one of those songs that made me, well helped me to realize that people aren't always going to like or understand me, people aren't always going to look at me the way I look at myself thus why I love the chorus so much "you only know what you see but you dont understand what it takes to be me" I mean this song touched me on a more personal level than most songs have ever done because I just felt like if I could rap these would be the same words I would be spitting over a beat, "how can you fairly assess something from the outside looking in, majority of the time you'll be wrong"

Ride Or Die - This was always an ill song to me because it has a sick beat and Jay flowed perfectly on it, and if you listen to the wordplay of the song you can & will appreciate it just as much as I do because he brought the A-game out, peep...."i'm platinum a million times nigga check the credits, S. Carter...ghostwriter...and for the right price I can even make YOUR shit tighter" come on man was that not crazy "cuz i kick that deep shit that divide your peep shit that I DONT KNOW IF YOU FUCKING WITH JIGGA SPITTIN THAT WEAK SHIT" stop playing man and cats say they dont or never like Hov, stop folling yourself and listen to the music dont just skim through it. Song like this one showcase why he is always considered amongst the greatest to ever touch a mic.

HONORABLE MENTION: Streets Is Watching, Where Im From, Jigga (from Ruff Ryders Volume 1), Dig A Hole, Lost One, Dirt Off Your Shoulder, This Can't Be Life (I agree 100% with you Derek on this one), Soon You'll Understand, Regrets (again I agree with you 100% Derek), American Dreamin, Song Cry